Tag: relationships

Categories
poetry

Younger

I met my mother once

But younger

And he didn’t have her smile

Or maybe he did, but switched

He was taller than a tower

With eyes that melted in their sockets

And my heart.

He reminded me of all the songs she did

Three decades later

Funny how music doesn’t change

Or how people don’t change

“Low Man’s Lyric” still pounds in my head

As my mother lies down

And he lied away

I wanted to know how to fix him

And I still haven’t figured out my mother

I don’t think there’s fixing

Medication only goes so far

Therapy can be just as averse

He hated therapy

But I loved him so much

I saw a therapist to cope

I love my mother so much

I use faith to hope

I think sometimes that there are things my mother won’t ever tell me

And I know there are things he didn’t tell too

Sometimes I think those secrets are not for me

If I knew, I might break down

If I knew, I might just be like her

Or him

Or anyone who knew the weekly vitamin cartridges weren’t full of vitamins

And who constantly asked their dad why mom wasn’t getting up

Who saw shut doors

And silent tears

That screamed help me

Please help me

Or worse, nothing at all

I met a boy who reminded me of my mom

A boy who I cut contact with because he made me sad

I met a boy who I fell in love with

But at least my mom loves me back

I never saw that boy again

But I see my mom everyday

And every day I wonder about how I connected the two

And if I’ll ever learn enough to confirm.

***

I wrote this one morning after being awoken much too early. By what? I don’t remember. All I remember is the emotion that wrote this poem, and how I didn’t feel like myself for the rest of the day.

Categories
poetry

Little Love

I feel a strange little love for you

That I don’t quite understand

I feel a little odd when I talk to you

Yet I know exactly where we stand

I see a lot of people’s tears and cry

Because their hurt feels like mine

I think you carry more than you show

And you’ll tell me with time

I want to understand my heart

Like I do my head

I want to know why you have a piece

Yet bring back memories long dead

I know I love you unconventionally

Neither for sex or romance

But a great protective feeling in my heart

Tells me to take a chance

I want to hold you close and feel you cry

Because I can see it in your chest

I want to talk over tea and understand

What you think is best

But this is a difficult situation to be in

Because I’ve been it before

The goal is to not get too attached

Or it burns you to your core

But shit, I think you’ve piqued my interest

Because I feel a strange little love

That makes me want to cry and embrace you

But I still must wear my gloves

***

There’s an emotion I can’t describe that sits in my heart. It only comes out when I pass certain people, and this was my attempt at conveying it after talking with a dear friend of mine. I think it’s almost a nurturing love, like one feels for their child, but sometimes with complete strangers. Whatever it is, it almost feels like the full spectrum of human emotion compacted into a handful of seconds. I wouldn’t change that for the world.

Categories
poetry

Life’s Unfair

What’s the point of doing something when you’re not there

That’s kind of unfair

Because you see

I had a love that used to precede

The way I felt about you

The love of learning, of what I do

But now, all I can think about is how you’re not the there

To watch me fly right through the air

I think of your moves and the fight you give

I think about how I can’t continue to live

In this little weird space

Where my heart wants when my head says no

I can’t think about the opposites that continue to grow

I can’t keep thinking about you at night

I can’t let the sun set and keep you in my sight

Because in the end, I just know I’ll get hurt

Leaving my head in the clouds and my heart in the dirt

Because I feel the little pain when you’re not there

It makes me bitter because life’s unfair

I didn’t ask to think you’re great

I didn’t ask for something I hate

I didn’t want to feel this way

I didn’t want to wake up and anticipate this day

And dread it all the same

Please stop the game

You’re not even playing

I can’t keep praying

That we’ll have a moment to ourselves

To work out how we feel

Instead, I’ll just mourn when you’re absent

And let life’s unfairness seem a little more real

***

I don’t do well with wanting. Perhaps it makes for better poetry, but I’m not sure. Although I’m not putting out the best work right now, I do have some writings and I consider that a win.

Categories
poetry

Imagine It

I can see it

I can imagine it, at least

I can imagine walking up to you and telling you the truth

I can imagine saying I’ve noticed you for three years

I’m too scared to say the word “like”

I’m even more terrified of the word “love”

I can feel my stomach knot just writing this

Just thinking about it

I can imagine trying to start with a smile

Then remembering that if you say no

If you walk away

There will be nothing to smile about after that point

I can imagine stuttering over my words

Trying to conjure a reason for talking to you

When there’s nothing I’ve wanted to do but that

I try to tell you a joke

But the delivery comes out a little wrong

And it turns out you don’t like jokes anyway

And we sit in silence before I finally just blurt out what I’m thinking

“I’ve liked you for three years

And there’s been a lot of searching in between that

And part of that searching is finding out that I’m not the person you thought I was

And I know that this means nothing to you

Because you don’t want to know anyway

But here I am”

It’s a lame finish

And you walk away

And I just stand there

Wondering what went wrong.

Was it the joke?

The delivery of my messages always comes out a little wrong

Sometimes I don’t think I deserve love

And my brain reminds me exactly of what rejection looks like

And I am so terrified of that rejection

And so I picture you walking away

And I picture watching my tears fall

I can feel my tears fall just writing this

Wondering what went wrong

And how I went wrong

And the worst part is that sometimes my brain allows you to stay

And you just look at me and smile

And I smile back

And I know this is such a hopeless fantasy

But I can’t help imagining it

I can see it.

And that terrifies me.

***

I meant to post this sooner but I couldn’t think of a fitting afterword. I still can’t think of one. Perhaps, just a thought then; I wholeheartedly believe that people do not feel their full range of emotion until they want something. Or in this case, someone.

Categories
poetry

That Night

There’s a strange silence that settles over the house

A kind of uncomfortable quiet that sets in

It happens in the later hours

When patience is stretched thin

It starts with the ridiculing and little jokes

That aren’t as funny as they seem

It ends with the strange little silence

And a bitterness sweetened with the word “mean”

It’s moments like these I feel a little colder

And remember who I am

Yet if I told anyone in this strange hour

I know that it would be met with dismissal and ban

I can still feel its tendrils curl

Around my stony, black heart

And I know that if I tried to smile

Old pain might just start

So, for now, I escape to sleep

And writing down each thought

And hope that tomorrow I’ll forget about this night

The night when everything fine was not

***

I think we’ve all had nights like this, whether alone or with others. They’re strange times, especially when it gives you a different perspective with how the world operates. I do not enjoy these times, but I do so their value. I hope I portrayed that indescribable emotion well enough.

Categories
poetry

You Are Enough to Me (Am I Enough to You Pt. 2)

Over a year later I still sit in my room

And think about the past

And when I smile

It’s not worthwhile

Because the emptiness will always outlast

Over a year ago I sat alone

Watching the fan and feeling blue

Lying in bed

With nothing but my head

I still wonder, “am I enough to you?”

My strength has only grown

And it shows through when I speak

I feel more comfortable in this body I call home

Even though I still see my pride as weak

I still hold all my records and highs

With a few more skills to add

But when you sigh

I always cry

Because your disappointment is unbearably sad

I stand as tall as one can stand

With expectations as high as mine

And as I reach out to take your hand

I can’t help but feel tremendously behind

For now, I apologize for my slowness

To my loved ones and those who I always see

But one day

I hope you’ll say

“Truly, you are enough to me”

***

A long title, I know, but I did want to include the fact that this is a sequel to a much earlier poem. Lately, I’ve been having feelings of inadequacy, both in my relationships with other people and the skills I’ve cultivated. Although I have picked a few things back up, starting them again has made me realize that I am more behind than I thought. Perhaps I should be easier on myself. However, I don’t find I have the energy nor the time to do so between activities.