I don’t know what the future holds.
I just hope it’s quiet
And holds a little more peace
Right now, I’m in pieces
Scattered across the present and the future
Present quickly becoming past
Hindering progress
“That was yesterday’s news”
“What’s new today?”
What holds true today?
What’s in view today?
Because I feel like I’m looking years ahead
And not seeing these ones here at all
I feel like I’m stuck in my head
Lying in bed
Feels like a pause
A comma between the clause of
“If I get a future”
And
“When I’m perfect”
Perfection has led me in a downward direction
Spiraling my thoughts
Tiring my heart
I don’t know where to start.
Do I quit my job? My school? My classes?
Do I give myself free passes on skipping work?
Do I work myself down to the bones and wonder when I’ll have no marrow
To harrow out from the inside
Pride is a terrible thing.
It holds as a good name for what it brings
But I don’t think it’s pride that made me work
It’s fear.
Fear that I don’t deserve to be here
That I can’t survive if I don’t strive for something better
And greater
And faster
And later
When I’ve done all that I can and achieve all that I could
I’ll wonder then,
Was my future really any good?
***
Apologies for my hiatus. I lost my sense of time, and when I regained it work just didn’t allow for poems. I wrote this one awhile ago, but I enjoy it immensely. I hope you do too.
Alice Griffin Writes 