Imagine It

I can see it

I can imagine it, at least

I can imagine walking up to you and telling you the truth

I can imagine saying I’ve noticed you for three years

I’m too scared to say the word “like”

I’m even more terrified of the word “love”

I can feel my stomach knot just writing this

Just thinking about it

I can imagine trying to start with a smile

Then remembering that if you say no

If you walk away

There will be nothing to smile about after that point

I can imagine stuttering over my words

Trying to conjure a reason for talking to you

When there’s nothing I’ve wanted to do but that

I try to tell you a joke

But the delivery comes out a little wrong

And it turns out you don’t like jokes anyway

And we sit in silence before I finally just blurt out what I’m thinking

“I’ve liked you for three years

And there’s been a lot of searching in between that

And part of that searching is finding out that I’m not the person you thought I was

And I know that this means nothing to you

Because you don’t want to know anyway

But here I am”

It’s a lame finish

And you walk away

And I just stand there

Wondering what went wrong.

Was it the joke?

The delivery of my messages always comes out a little wrong

Sometimes I don’t think I deserve love

And my brain reminds me exactly of what rejection looks like

And I am so terrified of that rejection

And so I picture you walking away

And I picture watching my tears fall

I can feel my tears fall just writing this

Wondering what went wrong

And how I went wrong

And the worst part is that sometimes my brain allows you to stay

And you just look at me and smile

And I smile back

And I know this is such a hopeless fantasy

But I can’t help imagining it

I can see it.

And that terrifies me.

***

I meant to post this sooner but I couldn’t think of a fitting afterword. I still can’t think of one. Perhaps, just a thought then; I wholeheartedly believe that people do not feel their full range of emotion until they want something. Or in this case, someone.